I know Pallas loves me dearly and I know that I broke his heart leaving. I can see that in his eyes when we speak about things, I could see it in his eyes when I would come to visit and I know that he would have … and would do anything that he could for me. There were times I wanted to call to him when I was away and I know he would have dove without hesitating through the doorway if I had called on him. I know he would have stayed away from me if I asked that, too. And he did stay away because I was daft in thinking it was best that he not be around. But as with so many other things I was SO wrong. So very wrong and there is nothing I can do, unless I can figure out how to some way turn back the sands of time so that I could do things over. Gods, I wish I could do them over. The one thing I REALLY needed while I was trying to cope and help myself and learn was Pallas, and I kept us seperated, even when I knew I needed him, and knew that I was being helped - I still denied us both what we needed. Each other. I see it now so clearly, and I … regret.

I never meant to hurt Pallas or my friends, only help them by helping myself in a way I thought would work – has worked, even, but at what costs? My intentions were good, though my thoughts were severely clouded by despair and pain and struggle. Lucy says that if we never made any mistakes that we would never learn or grow and that we would all just be the same generic people - and quite boring. She basically asked me, and I’ve said this very same thing to others - that if everything turned out to be simple, effortless and painless then how would we ever really know how great the good stuff is? If we had nothing to compare good to bad, we would not. What we learn and do in the future is important and Pallas and I spoke of this as well, but things are really hitting me hard - like a wicked hard slap to the face and it stings very much realizing the upset I have caused others, especially to Pallas - the man who I love more then anyone else ... my dearest friend, my constant. I could have lost everything. What would I ever do without him? I can not even bear the thought.

If I had gone away with the intention to hurt my friends and Pallas, that would be unforgivable, I understand, but I went away believing I was doing the right thing and helping. That changes how the details are seen, Lucy tells me, like Pallas’ hand. But, I worry, still. What if Pallas never truly forgets … and I can not forget? Then what do we do? I only see that I hurt him when I see that scar, even though it was not intentional on either of our parts, he still got hurt in MANY ways, not just a cut to the hand from an accidental busted ale mug he set down on a table to hard, either. Just how much I hurt him becomes more apparent to me every day since being back and it is very hard for me to deal with. Again, now I struggle. The dragonfly on my lower back covers an old branding that I'll never forget how it was put there – or by who, how will he or I ever forget this … and what if we can not forget ...? Or truly move on? Where is the silver lining in this? I do not see it as of yet. Only more regrets.


Seems Balthazar crept into the lands while I was sleeping and caused some commotion the other day. I am glad all is well now, though I am really annoyed at myself for sleeping so deeply, and at a time I normally should be awake, that I missed the attacks on the towns. Attacks which came right before he kidnapped a bunny named Kizzy and threw her into his labyrinth, but she escaped and is thankfully safe now. Apparently he did not stick around long, either, so I presume once again he felt he didn’t have a real chance against the people of Valorn as they stood against him and his demon spawns. I only wish I had been here as I normally would have at that time to aid my fellow adventurers in the many raids he plagued on the lands as he arrived. Now even more regrets for me to have. Ah, what perfect timing the Demon Lord has! Then again, why not kick people when they’re down? It is the easiest way to get the best kick in on someone is it not?

Okay. So maybe he is somewhat right now that I have had time to think clearly - or more accurately, his mother was right and that is all that needs saying, as my bos headedness will not allow for more, except in our own private conversation. I guess sometimes I let things be said and done because I lacked the ability to think clearly on my own in … those darker times of mine - but only out of trust and weakness, never was I brainwashed or manipulated in anyway, and things said and done were always with my best interests in mind. That I know for sure. So, I guess we need to talk more, or at least I do. I’ve not been able to sleep. All I could do yester moon was watch Pallas sleep, and gently hold his right hand in my hand, tracing my fingers over the scar that is now forever torn into his flesh, with my name written all over it. He says that it does not matter, that the ones that do matter - the ink on his forearm and right wrist, those are the ones that matter … but I am not sure that is something in which I can as readily and easily accept as he seems to be able. I’d like to, trust me, but my mind simply will not allow for that - least not right now.

So then now what do I do, seeing as my eyes are starting to now see what my actions have done, that my head is finally allowing things to sink in - and admit things are not all as I wanted to see them as, not even close. I look and think back on my own actions and I question myself now, and I question him. He stood right by me … even when his emotions understandably wavered and he had to … hide them away, he stayed. But … why? Yes, I know he loves me and could see that I needed to do something, that I needed help - but he is right about how I was wrong, and now I really can see how right he was. I should not have left the way I did ... if I had only waited a bit longer, marcs only ... maybe things would have been very different, but I really and truly was not well. I have asked him why he keeps bringing this up, and just as he promises not to, it has become my focus. he always ends up to be right, always.

I am so confused right now.

I learned to meditate and to trance very deeply when needed and to face visions and memories that had not gone away from me … that still haunted me, and still may at times - and I learned how to try and find a silver lining and in what troubled me so badly since my return, and had started in Brighttree itself. And while away I was able to find the silver lining in it, – and finally admit out loud what, not WHO, had been partly responsible for what was tearing me apart so badly ... and throwing me deeply downward before I ran off to save myself. For me it was not so much what was partially responsible for hurting me but how I might hurt the one I love the most that troubled me so and kept me from telling him, for I knew how it would be viewed, even though I went on my own free will into that … place with him to burn it, and not kicking and screaming.

And … yet it goes unheard, though over and over I say it, it is easier to put blame elsewhere when there really is no blame at all but for on my disgusting excuse for a Father, Myoakka and my past. And on my mind for being so ready for so long to break that regardless of the good that we had started in facing and putting the past behind me, broke anyways, as I KNEW inside it eventually would. How could anyone just think ‘poof’ my whole past, haunted life would just so easily go away after returning from Brighttree? Just like that?? Sure, I lead on for a while as I struggled inside that things were great but could they not see through me? Brighttree being destroyed was a giant step towards that change I needed and Pallas was never wrong about that , he was right, so very right - but it was only a piece of the puzzle of sorting my life. A piece that together with learning the prayers and meditations and trancing … to face other memories and visions not lost, and to find a silver lining in them and try and put them away, restoring my faith in myself and my worth, it has all benefited me greatly - working together. As does the ongoing support of those who love me. All together it seems to be working well - even with the absence of some, because I am stronger now and I believe in myself again and my worth. Slow and steadily, I have been trying so hard. I love him so much ... I know he wants what is best for me, but in the bos headedness between us, ... things seem to be going back, not forward.

Sometimes I feel as if there is this other part of me, this other woman inside who emerges when I am spiraling out of control, or downward, or having haunted dreams and visions - and I think she is the one who emerges, or tries to, when I blackout. I have mentioned her before. Maybe I am … she is … doing things I have no idea of, and I wake on the ground thinking I was lying there the entire time? I do not know how else to explain the way I feel sometimes or the things that creep into my mind, or the dreams I wake from after collapsing. Have no idea why I end up blindly acting out at times, having no ability to stop myself from doing it ... or when I become impulsive and so angry I cannot see anything but a blurry, wet stream of red in front of my eyes. Or why I’d leave the lands and not be completely honest in my letters about how I left. I mean I know why I did it … but, I am left to wonder when it keeps being thrown back, am I crazy? Can no one hear my words? My friend told me, as we sat freezing on the windswept ledge earlier today that there are choices we make each day. Some are good; some are not so good … but that we must learn from them and keep on going. By the Gods, I have tried and tried and tried to keep going. I nearly broke down, nearly ran from these lands for good. Going away with my teacher was a STEP I needed to survive; I wish that it could be seen for what it truly was. And not that I was ... brainwashed. I may have left hastily, done the wrong thing, but though I was not really able to articulate myself - I was only thinking of those I love. Of my love, of my friends and family …. Not even of myself - my teacher made me think of myself. Said I need to, a little bit anyways. And that was right indeed. I do not doubt that for how can I give all of myself to Pallas and my closest and my Gods if I have no care for my own safety or for myself? And admittedly Pallas and Lucy LONG before all of this tried hatd to get me to think of myself a little, to see that I matter.

So must I scream at the top of my lungs until I am hoarse and blue in the face about the way things are? No. I know that I am very naive at times but I DO know what I am talking about here and if what I say, as hard as it all was to say it … to admit it for fear of hurting my dearest love is going to be so belittled and basically ignored, then I have nothing left to say at all. I thought truth and honestly were to be rewarded with trust and forgiveness … but despite the words in my ears saying it had been, the actions more than show that is not the case at all.

And in all this, I realize my father still owns me in a sense, as this is all a result of him, what they did to me, MY past … and I reckon he always will, in some small way.I thought I was finally free, but though I have healed some and continue to try, I will never be totally free. Never ... will I?

I sat for a bit today in the Holy order of light Library of lore. Actually I am there now. It is so lovely in here and the lights are soft and make writing seem to flow so much easier and there is a small plaque on the wall that simply reads “Courage”. Courge, eh? Today I took one gamble too many today. Courage was destroyed but thankfully I was able to restore it. As I stare at the plaque, I know I will not be gambling again for a long while … Yester moons I dared to struggle and face my feats head on. In brightree and when I went away for my lessonss. These past moons, I have dared to beat this ... to win. No matter what happens I know I at least have courage.

The bonding went off perfectly once it finally got under way that is! We had guests coming late, and several raids to deal with as we tried to pull everything together, and the groom was pacing off some nervous energy. The courtyard was decorated so nicely and Lucilia looked so lovely and soon after we got started, she and Quent were bonded together I hope for eternity – as it should be. I have known Lucilia since her very first steps into these lands and I wish them nothing but lots of love and good fortune. I am sure they will be very happy together. Quent seemed a bit in shock later at Cerbies but I am sure he at least partially recovered by now. Bondings always make me think of my own bonding and just how wonderful and beautiful it was. Pallas watched me while I performed the ceremony. That always makes me feel special, and a little shy, when I know his eyes are on me as I work, especially when I am doing something so big like a bonding and he takes such interest in me. I love that man – so deeply.

I woke to having just missed several raids. I really wish someone would have woken me. I usually sleep so lightly but of course when I am needed, I had to sleep like the dead, as I didn’t hear a THING as I slept this last rest. Seems I missed more than just some raids as well. Pallas sleeps now and I will not wake him, but from what I’ve read seems he slipped away from me late in the night and returned exhausted right before I woke. I want to shake him awake now and ask him why he didn’t tell me he was going since I was sleeping right beside him, or ask me to go with him, but I suppose he has his reasons and we did somewhat speak of the fact that he might go, just a day or so ago. Plus we need to talk sometime today about what I am not sure. I know what I wanted to talk about, but not what Pallas wishes to speak about. I wonder if I have done something wrong already, or if it is regarding the past weeks, or even before that time I went away. I do not know, but he says I need not worry. Famous last words, ey? And one word annoyingly comes to my mind right now. Bah.

So I’m left fidgeting and with too much nervous energy to expend, so I think I’ll head off to the desert. I hope Corwyn is there. I have a lot of fun racing about the desert and passing birds back and forth with him. He is looking for wp's for his crystal, so I try and help but no luck aside the one I got to him days back. It helps keep my mind straight to just run and run and kill and kill and share a laugh or two with a friend. But … before I go I am using a scroll of intelligence on my viper hat as I write. Okay … and now I JUST upgraded my beach viper hat for the third time and it has not failed on me! This makes me happy and is just too fun. I LOVE my viper hat and it just fits my head sooo much nicer then the big gaudy skull helm and I much prefer the look and feel of the viper fangs on my head over the awkwardness of the bone and I always have, so added bonus that it is now modified so nicely. I think I pushed my luck that last time - am not sure I am willing to risk destroying it again. Then again, I do love to gamble.

[COLOR=thistle]I’ve written a bit of a story based on what I remember hearing at an inn located in some small town that I do not recall the name of – do not think I ever knew, but had rested in a few nights as I made my way blindly towards these lands. I think maybe I will tell it at the tale telling event in a few days. I get really shy when it comes to this kind of thing, but have done it before and I love to support tale telling and gathering of good folks together for fun times.

Earlier I found Will and he teleported away from me, twice. He did say that he was okay and not to worry so I suppose that is what I have to do. I am just glad he is alive and still in the lands. I was worried that he may have left without a word, having not seen him at all these past few days. I will pray for my fellow cleric and friend. I think that might help, at least I’d hope it would, somehow.

Tonight I am officiating a bonding. I always get nervous when I do, but I am selective about the bondings in which I will perform, as most love seems so fickle and fleeting in these lands, but this girl has been a friend since I first met her in these lands as the happy and curious young initiate she was. I know Pallas will be right there with me, supporting me as always, and that it will be beautiful indeed. For now, I guess it it back to expending all this nervous energy I have.

Killing the evil that assails us as much as I can not only helps the people of the lands and the lands themselves but it helps my mind, helps me think, helps me try and figure out this thing we walk up to do every day that is called life.[/COLOR]

The Amazon party was much fun, especially when they talked about the old days – and something about tying up guys and feeding them to spiders! And also when Agua, Vanity, Azure, Pallas, Asrai and myself started telling our limericks. Azure really is wonderful with words. She always has been for as long as I’ve been in these lands and known her. She says that she sees the words as a toy and that they are easier to work with when seen as such. Pallas said words can be used as tools as well. I believe words can be used in any way we wish to use them. As a toy, for fun, a tool for learning … to hurt, to comfort … they are a gift most of us are given in which we can use in anyways that we want – but we must be careful with how we use them as well for they can cause great harm into others.

After the party Pallas and I went back to the hall and curled up, resting beside the warm, glowing fire in the Mooon. He said something that moved me almost to tears as we reminisced about our first meeting, well formal meeting, which was at an Amazons party oh so very long ago. He told me that sometimes he finds it impossible to tell me just how much he really does love me, and that my voice and my smile make him feel so fortunate, knowing that I truly love him back. And I do – more than I can ever show him or say.

I suppose I should rest now, before my scribbling wakes Pallas.
Much peace and love to all.
Ellyana

[COLOR=lightsteelblue]I ventured to the bridge again today over the dark river. I had not even realized where I was walking until I was already there and gazing between the water and up northward. As I stood, still and silent overlooking the water below me I realized something seemed very amiss, only I could not put my finger on right away. Then, as I was just about to walk away - in what direction, away or into the zone, I am still unsure, it struck me that I could not even see my reflection staring back at me from the waters. One word came to my mind. Strange. Though I had always been afraid of what lurks over the bridge in the dead zone, and for various reasons, today I did not feel that same exact fear but rather an obscure and darkened curiosity tantalizing my senses and tempting me - and the fear I was feeling was almost exciting. No, not almost. It WAS exciting … for my breath was trapped at times in my throat and my skin was tingly and bumpy and I was shaking ever so slightly. Time seemed to stand completely still on that bridge and I became completely lost in thoughts.

Last time I stood in that spot the fear was intense; the beckoning from the horrors within called to me in the voice of my mother, and Will was with me, all but ready to investigate for me. What is there to stop me now, really? Lucy is away for a little while and Pallas as well, Will and I have not much spoken as of late. Skye and Bryggy are both gone and the others I cherish as good friends seem scattered around the lands these days, waking for what seems like much too short of a time. That is, if they even wake at all anymore. Then again, maybe that’s just me being hopeful to see them more often, or selfish, I am not certain which, mayhaps a bit of both?

Besides, even if they were all here - If I wanted to enter the dead zone, none of them, even if they all pulled together to try and hold me down, could stop me. [/COLOR]

People keep saying to me that I look radiant, that I am glowing, and that I look so happy since returning … and that I look fantastic in red! Well, I’m sure I do as my cheeks must still be red from all of those words as of recent - Pallas’ words most especially. Well okay, so fashionable I know I am, but that was not my intent, honestly. I decided to wield the ultimate weapon of Courage now over my Salvation ((many thanks for the help locating that darned portal Cel my sweets, lovely Lucy, brother Matt, friends Bolechim and Azure)) because I felt it was very appropriate and fitting to how I have been feeling since my return, and all I have survived through my life before I found these dear lands. A hard life, a life seemingly not worth living, but I kept on fighting inside, kept on surviving, kept on hoping and praying – and persevere I did - with a little help from my friends ... then AND now.

My soul has been gifted rebirth, the fire has been rekindled, the steel inside reinforced, the little girl given some peace of mind, the tower destroyed, and I feel so happy and free-spirited these days - though never forgetting what I still feel deeply inside or the demons I am always keeping at bay, or what I know I have over come so far in my life. Must never forget those things. There is still much inside I will always fight but now I can see things more clearly, and now I can see myself more clearly - as others see me, something I had forgotten and was stripped of when I was so blinded and in my mocking pain. The weapon and my strength amulet help serve as a reminder to me of everything that burns inside - and they give me a new found purpose and I am truly grateful to all those who have helped me stay along my path and who did not let me fall. I love all of you.

And now for another moment that made me feel strong and renewed in spirit. Earlier, before venturing out, I sat in the gardens of the guildhall under Alfred enjoying the nature. I had with me a lovely deep blue candle which I placed in front of me and I lit before I started to breathe deeply and relax my body for entering meditation. As I breathed in and out deep and calm, I said the words that danced so easily in my mind and on my tongue:

“Beyond the coldness and the pain burned out by this candles flame. I summon thy courage from deep within to rise fervently again. I call on all the strength and love from all my friends and my Gods above.”

I said these words that had come to me over and over until I can remember no more the words being heard but felt – and then I was waking from my meditation. I felt such a renewed energy surging through me and with it I raced off to kill more of the evil that besets our lands and threatens us all, stopping only shortly to write this passage while the thoughts were fresh in my mind.

Gods Guidance.

Last evening was so lovely, I spent it with Pallas and we just talked and had drinks together and I gave him the stone I’d been working on. I’m not sure why exactly, but last night felt the right evening to give it to him and so I did. It was the first one I’d ever made so I hope it turned out alright, I’ve been a bit shy about actually giving it to him, but he seemed to really like it. It was a stone from midnight beach, perfectly round and smooth and as black as ravens claws. Took me marc after marc after marc to finally find and pick out just the right stone, so messing it up was definitely not an option for me! Though the design, a simple and small little heart was what I etched into the stone, it again took me many marcs to be sure the heart was round and smooth and that I did not put a scratch elsewhere into that stone. I think I held my breath the entire time I worked on it. Though, for obvious reasons, that may not be entirely true.

Well, something on a less happy note that I’ve not yet written about but I reckon I should since it has been on my mind and I need to get it out. My dear and beautiful friend Bryg has left the lands. She is an amazing friend and a lovely enchantress and she will be sorely missed by many. I could not tally long at her going away party - and I do hope she, my Va Va sister, does understand and that she knows just how much I love her and will miss her hugs and her heart-felt, warming words. I will always be thankful for her friendship and I do understand how she feels and what she needed to do. One must always follow their own hearts and dreams and we must always try and do what is best for ourselves for in the end we only have ourselves to know what it is we really need. She will have my love and support forever - where ever she goes. There is no escape!

[COLOR=pink]^j^ ^j^ ^j^ [/COLOR]

[COLOR=thistle]Miranda held a contest the other night in Cerbries. I'd been in there before the contest was announced, having come straight from a raid on the Iron Knights castle in Dundee - the second hit there in that day, and decided to simply sit and watch this one. She asked that anyone who wished bring an item they consider beautiful to Cerbries. And she'd pick the one she found most beautiful. The winner was the Laws of Valorn but each and every item was so lovely and so meaningful to the person who presented it. Had I participated I think I'd have shown my sea-shell. The pure alabaster shell that is shared between Pallas and myself, where we can smell and hear the beauty that is the sea at anytime we wish. But … it was too personal. Or maybe I'd show the orb I have always with me in my pack which shows me the likeness of the sea at anytime I wish to gaze into it. Or even maybe a better choice would have been my little box of bunnies, a gift given from the Gods long ago. They are fuzzy and pure and I feel they represent Peace, Love and Hope and as such have been fitted with those names. Though mayhaps the bunnies themselves are just figments of my imagination. Only few will ever know. Point is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder – and there is beauty still ... and all we had seen that night presented to Miranda was spoken of with such admiration by their beholder. That in itself was pure and radient beauty for me.

Our Viscontessa claims she does not understand us mortals, but I believe she does quite well. She said that sometimes the best way to learn something is to try and teach it. And regarding the contest she held she said that sometimes the best way to be reminded of what is really beautiful in our world is to try and show it to another - and that is what everyone who came to Cerbries so passionately did. They came to show and share their beauty, be it a jar of moonbeams, a gull plume, the laws of Valorn or a crumpled flower, and to remember that although the darkness is ever present, there is always a light which shines within. There is always beauty left in the world.

I have been reading and studying a lot, especially from my odd little book for it holds some wonderful secrets and much hope for me through its words and pictures. Before I started writing this I settled myself up to be sitting alone, and out of the wind, down in the tombs of N’rolav. I have set before me two candles. One is crimson red and one is pure white. Beside each is a rose. Beside the red candle rests a pure white rose and beside the white candle rests a crimson rose. The red is for strength, the white, for healing. I’ve scrawled something’s onto a parchment I have folded before me and set in the middle of the candles. I sit with the journal in my lap as I write now and the candles burn before me. Before all this I meditated, relaxed my mind and body and spirit. I think of the information written onto the parchment and I say out loud I burn these words in hopes that they will be forever cast from my memories.

The parchment burns away into ashes in my hand as I hold it over the crimson candle and the white candle seems to smile as it dances its shadow off the tomb walls and flicker to me its light of hope as it sends its billowing smoke to the Gods. I smiled back. Nothing feels quite like a little soul healing, especially if you believe in yourself and what you do to achieve that healing.

…and what those words and memories were, they are for me and me only. [/COLOR]

[SIZE=3][FONT=Times][COLOR=lightsteelblue]I woke up today inside the Dundee inn of all places and to a note in my pack which had really bothered me. Do I speak in strange, gibberish tongues when I talk to people? Because if so will someone please tell me because I think I sound pretty normal when I speak and I’m not aware of this issue. Then again who is to judge what is normal and what is not, anyways? Not me, that is for certain. I think I need a good meditation session before I will feel somewhat clear-headed today. Not only, but Brygs going away party is today and I am not sure I will walk away from it without bursting into tears. The pre meditation should help to sooth my troubled mind. I hope Pallas wakes in time to go with me, I could use the support and he should be there to say goodbye.

More disturbing even was a new raid which happened upon the Iron Knights castle in Dundee today. I was pleased with the amount of fellow adventurers and friends that showed to fight in the raid, but worried for the safety of others - and readying myself for what impending other dangers may be to come. I suggested everyone keep their eyes open a bit wider than usual. The Demon Lords last attack was brief, and he retreated rather quickly, so I am quite suspicious he has some new tricks up his old stinky sleeves. I would not be at all surprised if we were to see him again much sooner than later. It is good to know that during our most troubling times we can all stand together and fight regardless of guild, profession and relationships. Together and united as one to protect the lands we live in, the lands we love, to protect our Queen, our brothers and sisters, those we have not yet met, those not even living here in the lands as of yet - and those we so dearly love. Those close to us, those distant, those past on, and those we have lost somewhere along the way. I fight for all those reasons, and more - and I will not ever stop. Not while I have breath left in my body.

One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you cannot speak out, try as you may, the words just do not seem to make any sense. Harder yet would be losing the ones that you wish you could speak the words to before you could even have the chance. So if you love someone, tell them - fight to protect them … if you have no other reasons you can find to fight during these troubled times - then at least fight for them. [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

I should have a lot to say, and perhaps I do just little desire or time to say it all right now, or write it all. Little by little though - small steps seem to work best for me with such delicate matters anyway. And I will write and speak of all I learned, all that was patiently and selflessly taught to me to give me a new chance at my life. Just … not now. So many ... too many emotions, and I am just not really ready - though I have been answering some questions I've been asked. Thankfully, no one has pushed me at all and everyone has been great. I’ve been tired since my return but overwhelmed by the love people have shown me. I still feel I have lost something dear to me, but thanks to that same person I’ve gained some of myself back and I will try my best always for the ones I love and for myself to not go back to the state of mind I was in before I left these lands. I will never forget the love (often tough) shown to me those tough days. I missed my friends I wasn’t with, my family – my Lucy and my ever devoted love, Pallas. I missed running around and farming and keeping myself in shape. I missed laughing and loving. I missed blessing and helping though who needed my aid.

The night of the Demon Lords attack I could do nothing but sit in the sand, blade in hand, with my eyes watching for any demons to break through the doorway. That was the one rime I felt truly alone and truly useless. Alone … waiting for it to end, or for my teacher to wake - and useless because I could see what Balthazar was doing, hear his words yet there was not a thing I could do from my position to help defend the lands I love, but send my prayers. I hope they were enough. And marcs later, after it was all over and the Demon Lord retreated, I was back in the lands, back home - and my oldest friend and I seemed to go our separate ways for the time that night. It will be good to speak again, as we used to, whenever that day will be. I'll be here.

I found a treasure box earlier today though there is nothing it can hold inside that could ever match the intangible treasures that I am lucky enough to hold inside of my heart.

Well ... I am home, but I do not feel like I thought, or better, like I had hoped that I would feel upon returning. I am happy … very happy to see Lucy and have been very anxious to see Pallas and to hold him. I do feel as though I have more control over myself and my life, and confidence that I can face my past easier now. Yet as I wander about Valorn today my heart feels that it is missing something that it entered Ethucan with, all those weeks ago. And that leaves me a bit cold and lonely feeling - and very confused.

Am I tough enough for all of this? I thought I was, I wanted to be, I’ve tried to be, but now … I am just not so sure. I’m disappointing Will and myself. Sounds simple enough, does it not? Trance. Find the old memories - the ones that hurt and haunt me the most. Dig them back up and face them from a whole other perspective and then put them behind me. Rely on my own strength. Control. Control. Control. He says If I can not control my emotions then I can not face my past. If I can not rely on myself, then I can not face my past because it will have to be alone, when I do. He can not be in my head with me. If I can not do these things then there is no point being where I am right now.
Of course I know that he is right ....

Is this what tough love feels like? Remember, I would not know …
I'd think my oldest friend and teacher might remember that when acting so damn hard with me these last few times he has since we came to try and help me.

But he is right, I am SO close. So close I can taste this ... and he has never steered me wrong before. I trust him, even when I am angry with him.

[SIZE=5][FONT=harrington]Perhaps I was a bit harsh in the words of my last entry, but I was so hurt and confused. I heard what I heard, saw what I saw and felt what I felt as I stood right beside him when I came to visit. No sickness, no afflictions - I do not think so anyways. Maybe that is part of the problem. I doubt myself again, so who knows. Since then though I see Pallas seems to have had a slight epiphany of sorts. It still doesn’t change the hurt or the situation, but I’m glad he got a small taste of what things are like for me where I am and what I am doing, try to do. It is hard to keep forward progress when you keep getting thrown back so far. We both hurt now - a lot now more than ever, and I am not sure it is reversible. I’m afraidit is not. Im scared of my own scattered feelings.


I love the man … I just feel so lost when I am around him now. Love – what is so cherished and takes so long to build can seemingly so easily just fall, crumbling down around our feet. It makes me feel sick. Sick and depressed. I’ve not even gotten up yet today. I miss him, but I do not know what to do anymore. Nothing feels right. I don’t know where I should be anymore. I was doing so well, too. I’m sorry, everyone. I'm really trying ...[/FONT][/SIZE]

He told me today that ignorance may be bliss ... but a fall from a dream is that much harder when you drift on a cloud.

I know Pallas hurt me and he had to know that what he is doing, shutting down his love on me … for me, thinking I do only for me, would hurt. Why would he want to hurt me so much? I need to face the facts now, after last nigh and look inside myself again … meditate when I am next able and see if I can get past this - and then ask myself is what he does for love and out of love, like what I am doing, or is it selfish – for himself only.

...I am such rubbish. All I wanted was to talk, to see him … to hold him close for a while and to feel his love. But because I’ve gone he can’t love me, or at least he can’t show me … he has put it all away he says. I didn’t really believe what I was reading in his journal when he said that, I figured no way that could be true - but it is so very true, there is no denying it now. And I can’t blame him. I’m so confused and I do not know what to do now. I feel like I’ve take 20 steps back, I can’t feel his love, and that doesn’t do me one bit of good. He says he loves me, but words are dirt cheap. He thinks I am here for myself, or that’s how it came across to me, softly spoken or not and it ALL hurt so much! I wanted to go back, to try and have a nice talk, ask some questions, just to see him … see if it was true … but again it could not be, so I guess it is true. He is shut down.

I do not think I will be returning to Valorn for a very long time now, if ever again. He said “Princess, you’re doing what you need to do to survive, let me do the same”. Does he NOT know or understand me in the slightest? How can that be so??? If all this was only for myself, I’d have run away like I’d planned, with no words, never to be seen again because surely I’d have died in a puddle somewhere the condition I was in when all this went down. I just … wanted to help them, by helping myself, and I will NOT be made to feel bad about that. Especially now that I AM feeling better and have realized I NEED to do some things for myself and it is okay to feel good about that, not guilty. Would he rather I had run away alone forever, or stayed, and remained despondent and died there in the sanctuary just so that I was with him? That can’t be so. That is NOT true! The little time we had together should have been precious and treasured and again … it was not. I thought that love was supposed to be patient and trusting and kind and caring and unselfish. Does his hiding his love away for me help me in anyway? NO. I had to see for myself, and it is true … he has done JUST that.

And He didn’t even ask me to dance our dance …
My own emotions are hardening. Perhaps it is best this way. Feel nothing.
But I try and still my heart breaks and my will fades.

[COLOR=lightsteelblue]Today I learned that the mind is like a maze, twisting and turning with many places to go, many dead ends and that you find things as you go. Things that you want to find, but that you have to search for. Things that you do not want to find, but need to find, and to face. By being completely detached from myself in this extreme type of meditation we are practicing, I can asses all these things form a new and non judgmental, unaffected perspective, without being burdened by the emotions I’d feel on a normal plane of consciousness. What I am doing pushes the normal meditation for tranquility, which I can do now. Still, I must learn to snap myself from the states – and with this deeper trance state of meditation, I still must learn to totally separate and detach from what I see that frightens me.

Though at this point, because I can not snap myself out, I do not do this alone. I promised I wouldn’t because I could end up hurting everyone I love even more if I do something daft and bosheaded. I am learning though and I am close, and it excites me and scares me. I do admit that I have such an urge to push the envelope on this, especially when I am lost in tranquility. In those states, I have NEVER in my life felt such serenity, such calmness, such wonder, such pure peace of mind. I want to push in deeper and explore farther, become a part of every single thing around me. But he tells me that is dangerous and never to do so. Too much of a good thing is not a good thing and that there could be a point you are in too deep and waking is very hard, and that can cause lots of other issues. But I am way ahead of myself, I can not even realize when it is I need to, or even HOW to wake myself yet from the trances.

I wonder though, I think of that, how far I can go … and it sparks a flame inside, which tickles at my senses. [/COLOR]

I thought I was helping myself, helping everyone when I first set off to find who I am, to put my demons to sleep and leave them behind me, to become a …person, but all I’ve seemed to have done is hurt my friends all more and I can not bear that. I should stay here at the glorious temple and let myself be forgotten sand take all the vows I can. I’m no good, for anyone is the feeling I have, or had right before I fell back through the doorway last night. I guess I am the only one who believes that I can not find the solitude I need anywhere else. Hadn’t happened in Valorn, it HAS started to happen here, so I will continue to believe that what I am doing is right, and no matter how it hurts, I shall not be swayed.

Back in the lands for a visit I felt like I was in a cage without a key, surrounded in a fog … and I could not see. I thought it would be so different to see the ones I love so dearly, but I was scared and anxious. It started out well enough, but the questions, the mood … it was ALL wrong. Then my nerves kicked in and with so many people at the party, I was anxious, though I tried to have fun, as it was a wonderful party. The only time I really felt okay that night was when Ba-Ku and Thorin battled. Oh, it was such a sight!! Brilliant infact. But the rest? I wish things had gone differently. I’m scared now … for myself, my friends … I do not know what to do, but I am back where I want to be at the risk of loosing them all, I reckon.

What is it I am doing wrong? Trying to live? Is that so terribly wrong? I am quite sure I was pretty dead, before my retreat to the temple and my prayers and meditations, so how can this be wrong. I’m learning so much, realizing so much. I still can’t make sense of it all, but that will come … in time, my time. I’m not on vacation, though I will admit that I whole-heartedly enjoy swimming under the stars I love so much. I guess only time will tell what this does for me, for in the end, everything falls into the sands of time.

For what it is worth - I love you guys.

I try and smile ... but my heart is crashing furiously inside of my chest, threatening to explode all over the room. I am sure everyone can hear, but no one acts like it, if they can. I then begin to wonder if I'm having a crazy moment.

Imagine yourself, and how you would feel if you felt that you wanted to be no where at all. Not here or there, not inside or outside ... not high or low - to just want to be no where and simply disappear into the air that everyone around you is breathing in ... choking you with.

I wonder if people looking at me can just tell I'm terminal.

I'm not ready to be here ... but I wanted to see them, I love them so, and yet ... I'm feeling so uncomfortable right now ... I want to run back.

[SIZE=4][FONT=Goudy Old Style][COLOR=thistle]I think I took a step back last night and Will and I had … a bit of an intense and arduously emotional time – right after having such a calm time, too. I reckon these things will happen, especially when there are two bosheaded souls together, and both with very different views and feelings on some matters. I will not go into details as that is not my point in this entry. But we did have quite a conversation that I wish to keep between only us. These times are hard for me, you see and I am extraordinarily emotional. I do try and track my daily progress, but I figure if I take a step back I need to record that as well for when I need to look back on this, if there ever is a day, and maybe help myself. See how I did things, and what worked, what didn’t … I truly do not know. I just know I need to write.

I’ve been holding back some terrible feelings and emotions, resentment and pain and anger and … oh so many emotions are involved in this. The reason is one I will not say here but I know it was what really took me down into my last spiral. I couldn’t talk about it with anyone, I’ve kept it safe inside until I cried it out into the sands here. Here where it feels safe and here where I know I’m being protected and guided. I can feel the love of my Gods with me. I can feel the love of my dear friend, and there it came out, unannounced and unplanned for – I just had to let it out. Tears and words and emotions all were merging in with the sand and the waters of the sea as I whimpered and bawled. The release of it all was too much for me. Will says I blacked out. Emotional blackouts we know now are what they are. Too many traumatic experiences will do that to a person. I have had them my whole life and probably always will – but at least we know and I can be aware and others around me can be as well. I need to try and ride myself of these past memories and stop reliving them and re traumatizing myself.

I woke from it, and saw a sad young girl with a kitten. A despondent teenage girl … and a broken, wrecked young woman, all trapped inside the tower … the prison, the Hell I can not rid myself of, or them. Knowing it is all destroyed does not do much to settle the emotions of … Never mind. I do not wish to say. I will not go there … I can not. I can not say.

Okay. There are two ways I know of so far that we spoke of to start to clean my soul, which we have been doing for days and days now, with some progress. Number one – prayers and meditation. But is that enough? Can I get to that state of mind that Will can go? Others have gone? The tranquil and serene place. Oh … how I truly desire to go there. Number two - faith. Can faith me measured and if so, do I have the right amount of faith? I’ll have to remember to ask Will what he thinks. Oh. Forgive me, for there are three ways, and only with the realization of this last one … the most important one of all is there ANY chance all this will work for me. He asked me many times. He said: 'Do you or do you not believe that yer experience here, and yer faith in the gods can make you whole, hun? Do you believe that any of this can make you whole? There are no easy ways...no easy answers...I wish there were. But once we've come as far as we have it is pretty much black and white.'

So ...

Number three …

...I must truly believe or I will never be whole.
And I am not sure that I do. [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

Breathe in nice and slow. Deeply and slow. Then let the breath out just as even and just as slow. Repeat. Find a rhythm and keep it. Ah! This I achieved and as I did I felt my body relaxing on its own. I may have lost the rhythm a few times, tensing as I felt art first I was loosing control of my own body, and was conscious of it, but knowing I was okay and safe where I was in the temple and with Will, I soon was able to get the uniformed breathing back and relax. Then I began to slowly detach from my own mind. Clear all thoughts separate from them. This step is so hard and it took me some time. I don’t think I fully succeeded in clearing away all that was on my mind, so I do not think I fully did detach. But I did somewhat. I watched my own swimming mind from somewhere else. But where was I?

Now, past this vision is the rest of the universe, the furthest regions of your own mind ... infinity. What do you see when you detach yourself form your mind and watch what your mind plays for you. What does the rest of the world looks like that you can not see in body but in soul? Is it beyond your wildest imagination? Or are the visions you see your own reality? I attempted to detach myself today during a meditation session from my own mind. I tried not to be upset or criticize what I saw but I failed and had a vision that in the end showed that I was thinking of a loved one, but was not pretty what I saw. I will not describe it.

Now in the past I learned to do this mental mind trick to block out the pain … and the pain and more torment and more pain, but only to darkness did I go. I still do sometimes when I blackout for seemingly no reason. But this was slightly different. The point is to watch the mind and to observing it from the outside. To not pick on it or judge but to see what your mind does but not from within the mind you see, but from the outside. Then to gradually watch the activities cease and the peace washes over you. Only, no peace, no tranquility, no serenity, no overwhelming sensation of what I tried to imagine came for me. No sensation of being that sea shell, carried upon the waves of the beautiful ocean. I need to work on this, but I am unsure how. Will is so patient and so good at what he does. He has always been a great teacher – I wish I had more patience.

Pallas sent me a letter … and I replied. I feel so many ...things right now. I hope he isn’t angry by anything I wrote in it … I had some trouble articulating some things to him. I just want him to know that I am feeling better, each day more so from my sessions and lessons, and that I am safe … and that I do love him. I really do hope that he knows. My feelings may be all muddled and confused right now, but I feel love … much love for my special souls.